You watch; everyone will be doing it next season.

     Every now and then I try out a new hobby, and decide that I am cool-new-hobby girl. (Yes, very much like a twelve year old. I am secure in that.)
     Anyway, so I start my new hobby and suddenly I get this idea that I am a newer, awesomer me: like I am cool, fun, brews-her-own-beer chick, or super organized and diligently clean I-just-got-a new-Martha-Stewart-book lady.  Never mind that brew-her-own-beer chick flooded the kitchen in half an inch of unfermented stout, or that Martha-Stewart-lady may or may not have eaten an entire box of Kellogg's Corn Pops for dinner; this does nothing to dampen my excitement when I embark upon my next project which I am always sure will somehow make me amazing.
     Most recently I imagined myself sexy, strong, going-to-run-a-Tough-Mudder Girl.

Knee brace?  Acceptable.  Diapers?  Not so much.

     Tough-Mudder Girl is strong and fun and generally kick-ass.  She runs, and climbs and gets dirty and wrestles alligators.
     You know what Tough-Mudder Girl does not do?
     Tough-Mudder Girl does not PEE HERSELF while running, jumping, and being generally awesome.  Nowhere does incontinence fit into the Tough-Mudder Girl persona, and no one has ever suggested Depends as a solution to ANY of the challenges Tough-Mudder Girl faces.

What.  The.  Hell.

     Why does no one mention this before you have a baby?  People tell you about the pain during delivery, and the no-sleep with a baby, but no one mentions, "Oh, yeah, and, from now on, try not to jump, laugh or breath in public".  You think someone might have brought that up.
     So now I am in physical therapy.  For peeing my pants.  It's an actual thing, and I participate in it.  Superb.
     I am looking into my diet, and of course kegels, lots and lots of kegels.
     In the meantime, I have decided to go with it, ya know?  What else can I do?  From now on, just call me super chill and free-spirited Not-Restricted-Indoor-Plumbing woman.

Friendly Fire During Postpartum Warfare

One of the most challenging parts of postpartum depression is the civilian casualties.  Of course the depression, irritability and fatigue are hard on me, but my poor, sweet long suffering husband, and cute little girl are just innocent bystanders, and really shouldn't have to deal with my insanity when I meltdown over an overgrown law, or become wrought with emotion during the ending of Men in Black 3.
I think doctors too often overlook the family when working through finding proper treatment.
"Some aggression is normal with this as your body adjusts." They say.  (Don't you love their euphemisms?  "Aggression" is code for unholy rage-fests.)  "Give this three weeks or so, and if you are still experiencing irritability, we will consider lowering the dose."
Yeah.  Three weeks.  We'll just dig trenches in the living room and LO and Erik can duck and cover when the sirens go off.   Easy-peasy.
I am not sure what the answer is.  There is no magic pill that will just *puff* make you better, but all this experimentation takes a toll on my family.  I wrote an article that my friend Kaitlin published on her blog at Psych Central.  Check it out and let me know if you agree.

Medication and your authentic self

My friend Kaitlyn recently published this post from a guest blogger on her site.  It has to do with medication and whether or not it makes you your "true" self, another version of yourself, or someone else completely.  This is a question that I know a lot of people wrestle with.  After all, everyone wrestles with their identity to some degree, and when you are taking medications that fundamentally change your brain chemistry, identity issues are bound to pop up.  In the blogger's article, she tries to determine whether she *is* the woman she becomes when suffering from her ADHD , or if she *is* the woman she manifests when on medication.
Personally, I do not believe that I am the nasty, ill-tempered, dark human being I become when I go off my medication.  Depression is a disorder: not a personality trait.  Science has determined that depression is due to a chemical imbalance; so I think it would be inappropriate to say that my true self is the manifestation of that imbalance.  I wouldn't say that a person with epilepsy is most truly him/herself  when having a seizure.  I wouldn't say my father is most truly himself when have a schizophrenic episode.  I wouldn't even say that a person is most truly him/herself when they are really tired.  I guess I like to think that a person is his or her true self is his or her optimal self: who they are under the best conditions, not the worst.That is not to say that I do not believe that I am a complete and total nutcase.  I definitely understand that that cranky, misanthrope I become when I am depressed is me, it is just not most authentically me.
Additionally, I think that if your medication makes you feel anything other than the most authentic version of yourself, then you need to change medication.  There are a ton of medications out there, and if you feel stifled, or wired, or just inauthentic, there is probably a medication that can get you to a better place.  Medication should help you manage your day to day affairs, and help you accomplish the goals that your disorder is stopping you from achieving.  If anything else is happening, there is something wrong.

Lovely Poem by Walt Whitman

There Was a Child Went Forth

poem from Leaves of Grass by Walt Whitman

There was a child went forth every day,

and the first object he look'd upon that object he became

and that object became part of him for a day, 

or a certain part of the day,

or for many years, 

or for stretching cycles of years.