Shhh...they'll never find us...

      You know what's great? I love being a mom. Like, really, truly, love being a mom. My kids are awesome and I love hanging out with them. Even though they are messy and loud and annoying and boring and stressful, I still think they are the best thing in the whole world. Which is a nice change from how I felt about parenting when my children were first born. I was hit hard by my postpartum depression after the birth of both my children, and I can now happily say that I am fully and completely out of the woods.
     For now.
     Turns out, while postpartum depression is a hot topic right now in the psychology scene, there is evidence to suggest that postpartum is not the most psychologically trying period for moms. In fact, postpartum might be one of the most fulfilling periods in a mother's life. According to a new study published by Developmental Psychology, mothers of infants report the highest levels of life satisfaction and fulfillment when compared to mothers with older children. Additionally, despite the societal emphasis on postpartum, the study found that new mothers report the low levels of emptiness, loneliness and stress when compared to mothers with children in school. According tothe data, the most difficult time for moms is when their children are in middle school. Mothers of middle schoolers actually feel more parental dissatisfaction and stress than mothers with children at any other stage.
     What the Hell?
     I feel a little bit like I've been tricked. All this warning and counsel over how to recognize and treat postpartum depression, and then science turns around and is like, "Oh, no. That's the easy part."
     Grrrrr....
     The study gives a lot of reasons as to why this might be the case. First of all, science now recognizes that middle schoolers are horrible, horrible people. Well, maybe not horrible, but the report does note that middle schoolers are at least as difficult as babies, but not nearly as cute. Plus, teens and parents encounter a lot of stress as the kid deals with more complex issues in school and peer relationships. All this is happening, but there are not a lot of resources for parents of teens. There is an unending collection of books, and websites, hotlines and social groups for new mothers, but almost nothing for parents of children hitting puberty.  Parent of older children can hardly even find time to vent to each other because they all have packed schedules.
     Obviously, I just think this is all fan-friggin-tastic.
     I need to be careful though. This study is not saying that parenting my kids as middle schoolers will be worse than dealing with my kids postpartum.  I need to remind myself that the law of averages is clouding the results of the data. Yes, the study indicates that most mothers will have a decrease in life satisfaction as their child moves towards middle school, but most mothers don't have postpartum depression. Apparently, most mothers are blissfully happy postpartum. (Jerks.) Live it up ladies, because nobody gets through middle school unscathed.
     I'm just kidding. I love you.
You know what we all need to do? We need a bunker. Then instead of driving our grumpy little hormone-balls, to practice after study group after sleepover, we drink and plot ways to embarrass our kids at the mall. I've been through the paretal depression thing before, so you can just come and hide with under my blanket until they leave for college.

Heroes Can Be Human

I hate that moms are considered superheroes in our society.
That shit needs to stop.

I very much understand that parenting is undervalued in our society, but the idea that mothers are superheroes is not doing anyone any favors.
Have you seen the viral news story about the mom pumping while running a marathon?  She posted the photo with #normalizebreastfeeding.

Uhh...No. No. Please don't.

A photo of Hein Koh working while breastfeeding her twins went viral not very long ago. The internet blew up with articles praising Koh for proving children "don't hold women back". Hooray for moms! We are so strong and powerful! Look at how well we make it work!
Yeah..y'all need to stop.

These women are kicking ass and taking all kinds of names, but can we all agree that they are (hopefully) not normalizing anything? Can we all take a step back and see that a woman nursing twins while working is no more "Making It Work" than Angela Cavallo was when she lifted the car off her kid?

#Makingitwork

I'm sorry, they are unbelievable women, but Koh, marathon-mom, and the like cannot be celebrated as symbols of motherhood. They don't represent mothers; they hardly represent humans. (Are we sure that they ARE in fact humans, because I have my doubts.) Or maybe they do represent motherhood, but that's not a good thing.
     To me, these photos only illustrate that pressure on mothers to has really come to a fever pitch. Women are led to believe that if they are not simultaneaously June Cleaver and Beyonce, they have not lived up to what motherhood is supposed to be. Across the internet, women bemoan their own inadequacy with the hashtag #mommyfail.  "I bought a cupcake without sprinkles", "I forgot her swim lesson", "I missed the first day of school pic".
Don't get me wrong, I'm obviously not blaming the hashtag. I am well aware that people love to poke fun at themselves for silly misadventures in parenting. As a matter of fact, poking fun at myself for misadventures in parenting happens to be my forte. However, it's important to realize that by only joking about "failures", and holding demigods up as the only examples of #momsuccess, we begin to create an unachievable standard, and trivialize the difficulty of being a parent.
     When I was in the center of my depression, I remember wondering to myself why everyone else seemed to be handling parenting so well. It seemed like everyone thought it was hard, but also cute, and silly and fun. Everything I read, from ecards, to newspapers, to parenting literature diminished the difficulty of just being a mom.  During our birth class, the doctor warned that women are particularly sensitive during this time because of adjusting hormones. They warned against "Mommy Burnout"?
Are you fuckin' kidding me?

We Can Do It!!

     "Oh those silly mommies and their horomones. If they weren't so emotional and weak, maybe they would deal better with being able to sleep five hours a night in 45 minute chunks and then working full time. Dads, try to be sensitive to her moodiness."
     When I called in hysterics literally begging the doctor to help me with Amani's eating and sleeping schedule, the nurse told me to have someone watch he baby and go get a manicure.  A MANICURE? I am alone, recovering from an infection, nursing my child every 45 minutes round the clock, while she holds daily four-hour-long crying fits everyday, and you think a MANICURE is the solution?
     The way I saw it, the onus was on me. I would say to myself,  "This is parenting. It's hard. Everybody knows that. Yet people succeed at it everyday. Suck it up, just like all the other parents do."   I would not ask for help; not when I was becoming septic; not when Amani had GERD; not when I was in the deepest darkest of despair. I wouldn't ask for help, because I didn't think there was anything anyone could do to help me, and I was weak for even complaining about it.
     I say this as one of the most priviledged in our society. I am white, educated, and upper middle class with a healthy and supportive family. I can only imagine how difficult parenting must be and how lonely other women must feel. Imagine if Koh's photo had not been a woman at her laptop in bed, but of a women wearing double baby carriers while she worked the register at McDonalds.
Or handed out fliers on the street.
Or cleaned a hotel room.
Somehow #Makingitwork doesn't seem appropriate. If we posted accurate reflections of "superhero" moms, the hastag would read  #maternityleavenow

#Makingitwork

To her credit, Koh noted that she holds a position of priveledge.

"I couldn't [be a working mom] without the support system that I have and I'm very fortunate in that regard. However, many moms don't have enough support and it's pathetic that out of all of the industrialized nations, the U.S. offers the least amount of support for working moms... I'm self-employed and I choose to work, having a flexible schedule and a support system in place, but so many moms don't have choices and are forced to go back to work way too soon after giving birth."

     It used to be that science thought women had a higher pain tolerance than men because, well, how else could they possibly endure labor? Turns out, that no, women aren't able to give birth because they have superpowers. Women are able to endure labor because they have to.
We need a similiar paradigm shift with regards to "superhero moms". Mothers should not have to be super human to maintain a job or a hobby. Our society needs to shift our perspective of parenting to give families the support they need.

I'm Just Scared: Dealing With Generalized Anxiety in Children

     Amani has been suffering from a lot of anxiety lately.  When we first moved into the house it was mostly nightmares and fears about being in a strange place. That has subsided some, but she still tells me she is scared a lot.  I've looked into ways to help her but it's a little tricky. Most books and websites I have looked at are for kids who are very shy, or are overly fearful. Amani is not shy in the least, and she is not really fearful. She is not anxious about anything. We could be driving in the car and she will suddenly say she is scared. She could be sitting on the couch playing pleasantly while I fold laundry, and all of sudden she is saying she's scared.

     Part of it is probably boredome and attention seeking, but I think at least part of it is anxiety. I have had little "anxiety storms" since I was about her age. They would come on the same way that hers seem to- unprompted, especially when I'm sitting quietly- and I said the same thing when I was little; "I'm scared".  Now I call them anxiety storms because they are not anxiety attacks, but I think they are still a manifestation of anxiety.  Anxiety attacks feel like a heart attack and last for around 30 minutes- I guess. I don't think I've ever actually had one. What I call anxiety storms are these little shudders of panic that are very intense for a few seconds, and fade after a minute or so.  I've always had them, but they are way worse now that I am an adult.  I think Amani is getting those, and she will sometimes have them all day, just like I do.

    So I have been looking for ways to help her. Whenever she tells me she is scared, I try to assure her that she is safe and that I sometimes get scared too. Sometimes I suggest taking slow deep breaths, or we turn on some music. At night we play the Indigo Dreams guided meditation from Lori Lite. Personally I like the Indigo Ocean Dreams stories the best, in case you are looking. They have been really helpful, not only to help her get to sleep, but also to have familiar terminology to talk about her feelings: "Remember how the octopus felt when he got mad?": that kind of stuff. 

     Today I saw this list in my Facebook feed. At first, I didn't have much hope for it, because, you know, Facebook forwards are usually pretty obnoxios. I'm glad I looked at this one though. The author suggests a lot of things I am already doing with Amani, but there a few new approaches to try. I think I will ask her to draw what she is upset about (#1). Although I think she just has generalized anxiety, it's possible she is fearful about something and can't explain it.  I also really like the idea of the Widdle Worrier (#35). Amani loves imaginary creatures and I could really see her get into calming a little imaginary creature. Outside of the new techniques, it is nice to see that someone out there can appreciates where I am coming from, and that I am generally on the right track.

If it's not too much trouble

Excuse me, Mom? I couldn't helped that you seem to be looking in another direction for nearly 45 seconds. Is everything okay? You weren't looking at my sibling were you? Because I really need you to help me with this problem I'm pretending to have. I'm hungry and thirsty and I need you to build me a fort. Also, my imaginary machine isn't quite making the right noise. Okay, well, I know those things can wait, but also, I need to go potty, but I seem to have forgotten where it is... 
Wait, where are you taking me?  Play with my toys? Is that a joke? Could there possibly anything more excruciatingly banal that the hundreds of dollars worth of toys and books strewn around this room?  What I really need is whatever it is you just picked up off the floor. 'Carpet lint' you say? Fascinating...
Wait, are you trying to get work done, or are you trying to be a motorcycle? Let me help you by climbing on to your back. Ahh, your right, Yelling is an effective way to relay a message. I'll be right back; I'm going to get my sibling to scream at me. 
So, hey, I was wondering, do you need to me to inexplicably scream "No" at you until I start crying, because that just happens to be my forte. Also, there's something sticky all over the carpet. I've no idea how that happened, but I thought you should know.
Okay, okay...fine. I need to think about my life choices. I'll just climb somewhere high from which I can't get down.....
Mom. For real. I'm going to need your eyes trained on me with laser like precision for a minute/hour/forever... while I...move around the house randomly... Let's make that happen.