Friday, January 7, 2011

I am seriously going to need to talk to the people at casting.

     Ugh, this is getting ridiculous.  I am not old; there is no reason I should be rapidly careening towards that stage of life wherein the majority of my time is spent complaining about health ailments or concocting conspiracy theories about the medical community. How is it that I find myself engaging in rhetoric fit for Gandpa Simpson?     It just seems like doctors were more trustworthy when I...well....trusted them more.  When I was a little kid I had this pediatrician who was so composed, collected, and spoke with such certainty that I suspect he got all his information directly from God.  He had steel colored hair, and these patient calm blue eyes; it was like he walked out of a Norman Rockwell painting.  If the man had told me that drinking Draino was my best course of action, I would have immediately done it, and I am sure that it would have worked.
     Then I grew up, as all of us do, and was confronted with the wonders of the college medical clinics, wherein any and all conditions are treated with condoms.
     Since leaving college, my doctor appointments more or less resemble episodes of House: no one knows anything, so they just going to shove things into me at random until I start bleeding anally.
     I didn't want this; I want a sane medical history where people in lab coats make sound, infallible diagnoses in calm, resonant voices, and give simple and effective treatments.  Does that happen anywhere?  Because if so, why can't I be on THAT show?  Why do I have to be on the show where medical staff shrugs their shoulders and wave their arms to the rhythm of set to the calliope music?

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