Depression has a way of making you question everything in the world including your own feelings. Outside of the generalized symptoms of insecurity and self-doubt, knowing I have a mental illness feeds my tendency to second guess myself. Unfortunately, it is really hard to come to a satisfactory conclusion.
Case in point: these days I am angry all the time. I'm overwhelmed and sort of unfocused. I feel manic, but without the happiness. On paper, it totally reads like a time line of impending doom. On the other hand, this is a totally rational reaction to the state of current affairs. So, I go back and forth on it:
On one hand: A lot of my behavior has changed, and it's sort of having a negative affect on me and those around me. I'm neglecting a bunch of my responsibilities just so I can fight with people on Facebook, and my relationship with my kids is changing a little bit because I ignore them a lot more. I know I am making some of my family and friends uncomfortable.
On the other hand, this type of behavior is not necessarily out of character for me. even when I'm well medicated and stable, if I get pissed, I get pissed and am slow to recover. I firmly believe real political push-back comes from people who are noisy, passionate and to some degree obnoixous.
I told my psychiatrist about all this today and she agreed that I was in step with pretty much all of Seattle. She did however, adjust my meds a little bit. I am not sure that's a good idea.
If I haven't made it clear thus far, second-guessing is my job.
Anyway, do I really want to medicate this away? Even if I am demonstrating a few symptoms and acting weird, do I really want to medicate myself out of it? Maybe we should have been behaving this way all along. It is going to take some serious committment to outraged to fight what we are facing for the next four years. There is part of me though that is scared that my outrage and passion are symptoms of an on coming breakdown. Then again, Maybe the world needs a little righteous-crazy to balance out the crazy from the other side.