Monday, June 13, 2011

Excited does not cover it..

I am fairly certain that my child is hosting a rave in utero.
It is so surreal.  I can actually see little bumps and jitters moving around my belly.  My new favorite hobby is sitting on my couch for 45 minutes at a time just watching her shake her groove thing around my belly.  So crazy.
So, I guess that means I am bonding, right?  People always ask me if I am excited, and talk about the baby like she is a person already and I never know what to say.  I mean, of course I am excited...I guess.  It just doesn't seem like the right word; it's not like I am going on a first date or meeting my favorite celebrity.  Eager, yes- I mean, I've been pregnant for two years now or something, right? 
Am I obsessed with her: redoubtably, but I think that anyone would become somewhat overly aware of a presence in their life that saps all their energy, shrinks all their clothes, and disrupts their sleep.
Am I happy about it?  Oof, too simplistic a word.  I am not happy about giving birth, I am not really looking forward to leaving work, being isolated at home, and the drop in status that I will assume as a SAHM (obviously it is not a justified drop in status, but it is a drop in status nevertheless)?  I am really not looking forward to that.
But yeah, I think I am looking forward to being a mom.
I do not necessarily love my little girl yet as a person; she is very little more to me at this point that a feeling of overly aggressive, possibly sentient gas.  And I am not really into picking out clothes or doing hair, although, that does sound pretty fun.  And its more than the fun of having a little kid in your house; I ADORE children; I live and breath them, but I know enough about them to not really look forward to having a tiny, hysterical, incontinent roommate.
Right now my little one is a little more than a promise; an expectation, but a really neat one.  I am looking forward to being responsible for her, for her to depend entirely on me, and to bonding with her as she grows.  I look forward to the changes within myself that come that I have heard people talk about as they became parents.  I am of course terrified of the loss of my selfish, shallow self, that can luxuriate with her husband and sleep in late, but when I think about it, superficial happy people are annoying.  I look forward to growing out of  my selfishness, and into one of those ferocious lioness mothers, who have their own lives but know that when the rubber hits the road, nothing is more important than her child.  The baby stuff sounds fun, but that ferocious, deep, kind of love and responsibility that alters all your perspective on the rest of the world, that sounds pretty cool.
I hope it is really like that.  I am not making this up, right?

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