Wednesday, May 23, 2012

How to experience pregnancy without getting pregnant in four easy steps

I love this post on Jezebel about how you are not even close to being ready to have a baby.  It is so true, and hilarious, and so full of things that for some of the more ridiculous reasons people think they are ready to have a baby, most of which I completely subscribed to.  The best part of the article is wherein she suggests ways to prepare for having a baby.  My favorites include:
  • Wake up every two hours at night, punch yourself in the face, walk around for 28 minutes pleading in jibberish. Go back to "sleep." Repeat.
  • Stand around a tennis court and catch fly balls with one hand for two hours a day while also preparing a peanut butter sandwich.
  • Practice wrestling aforementioned large, slippery fish, then dress it in seasonally appropriate outfit, including hat and/or jacket. Then go back, remove all clothing, and apply sunscreen. Re-dress fish.

These exercises only prepare you for the child.  I am making a list of things that will prepare you for pregnancy and child birth.   It's a work in progress, but this is what I have so far.
  • Take a laxative and Ipocack at the same time.  Go to work.  Encourage coworkers to say how excited they are for you.
  • Fill a basketball with water.  Just before bed, put on elastic-waist pants and insert the basketball.  Leave it there for four months.
  • Gain 20 pounds.  Allow strangers to enthusiastically comment on how large you are.
  • Poo out a seven pound terd surrounded by all your loved ones and several strangers.
Any others you can think of?

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