Recently Kelly Kapowski has been giving me a lot of parenting advice.
Like tonight, we are on the first night of implementing the Ferber method with LO, and Kelly is all "I don't know; she's just a baby. You've come this far without getting more than two consecutive hours of sleep. you can go a few more months. She's just a scared, and wants to be with you."
And then Jesse chimes in, "She needs to learn to fall asleep by herself. This is important for both of you! Be a strong, responsible parent"
Don't give me that look.
Oh, like you don't have nineties heartthrob giving you parenting advice.
You know what I have to say to that? Liar: that's what I have to say to that, because everybody has the cast of Saved by The Bell in their head, and don't even try to deny it. Well, maybe not the entire cast of Saved by the Bell, but that's not the point. The point is that everybody has those little archetypes that they measure themselves against running through their head. The shoulder angel metaphor didn't come from no where.
Fine, you may think I am just sleep deprived now, but sooner or later, you are going to realize that the one voice in your head that is telling you to pack a lunch is really Mrs. Cunningham from Happy Days, and you'll be all like, OOOOHHHHH.....
Anyway, whenever Kelly becomes the dominant voice in my head, I start thinking I need a boost of confidence. For being head cheerleader at Bayside, Kelly was not really all that self assured.
Oh my God, I watch too much television.
Anyway, it seems to me that a major component of depression is self doubt; well, it is a major component of my personality, and I have always chalked it up to depression, so let's just go with that. For example, I just spent about eight minutes, reading and rereading that last sentence because I couldn't be sure that self doubt was a symptom of depression. I ended up looking it up. It is.
Or with this Ferber thing. It's a method of teaching your baby to sleep without your help but allowing them to cry themselves to sleep at night and only checking on them at gradually increasing intervals. It's hard to implement for any parent, but we are completely at the end of our rope. LO hasn't been sleeping for more than three hours consecutively since December. My depression has come back, my husband has started sleeping on the couch, and I am a zombie during the day. I know letting her learn to sleep on her own is best for both of us, but I haven't been able to commit to anything, because I am constantly seeking reassurance. I have read five different books on sleep, seen three different specialists for help, (all who tell me she is perfectly healthy and I don't "need to worry". Super helpful.), I have read forums, and asked friends, but I keep second guessing, and postponing my decision util I am "sure" about what to do.
Meanwhile, there is a very high likelihood that I may fall asleep at the wheel and drive us both off a cliff.
Or just send her "perfectly healthy" little butt to a Russian orphanage for sleep training.
I've got to start listening to myself more, because honestly, I know her better than any one. I gotta pull myself together and go with what I believe is best without second guessing myself all the time. Of course, I don't know how to do that exactly.....