I'm Just Scared: Dealing With Generalized Anxiety in Children

     Amani has been suffering from a lot of anxiety lately.  When we first moved into the house it was mostly nightmares and fears about being in a strange place. That has subsided some, but she still tells me she is scared a lot.  I've looked into ways to help her but it's a little tricky. Most books and websites I have looked at are for kids who are very shy, or are overly fearful. Amani is not shy in the least, and she is not really fearful. She is not anxious about anything. We could be driving in the car and she will suddenly say she is scared. She could be sitting on the couch playing pleasantly while I fold laundry, and all of sudden she is saying she's scared.

     Part of it is probably boredome and attention seeking, but I think at least part of it is anxiety. I have had little "anxiety storms" since I was about her age. They would come on the same way that hers seem to- unprompted, especially when I'm sitting quietly- and I said the same thing when I was little; "I'm scared".  Now I call them anxiety storms because they are not anxiety attacks, but I think they are still a manifestation of anxiety.  Anxiety attacks feel like a heart attack and last for around 30 minutes- I guess. I don't think I've ever actually had one. What I call anxiety storms are these little shudders of panic that are very intense for a few seconds, and fade after a minute or so.  I've always had them, but they are way worse now that I am an adult.  I think Amani is getting those, and she will sometimes have them all day, just like I do.

    So I have been looking for ways to help her. Whenever she tells me she is scared, I try to assure her that she is safe and that I sometimes get scared too. Sometimes I suggest taking slow deep breaths, or we turn on some music. At night we play the Indigo Dreams guided meditation from Lori Lite. Personally I like the Indigo Ocean Dreams stories the best, in case you are looking. They have been really helpful, not only to help her get to sleep, but also to have familiar terminology to talk about her feelings: "Remember how the octopus felt when he got mad?": that kind of stuff. 

     Today I saw this list in my Facebook feed. At first, I didn't have much hope for it, because, you know, Facebook forwards are usually pretty obnoxios. I'm glad I looked at this one though. The author suggests a lot of things I am already doing with Amani, but there a few new approaches to try. I think I will ask her to draw what she is upset about (#1). Although I think she just has generalized anxiety, it's possible she is fearful about something and can't explain it.  I also really like the idea of the Widdle Worrier (#35). Amani loves imaginary creatures and I could really see her get into calming a little imaginary creature. Outside of the new techniques, it is nice to see that someone out there can appreciates where I am coming from, and that I am generally on the right track.

If it's not too much trouble

Excuse me, Mom? I couldn't helped that you seem to be looking in another direction for nearly 45 seconds. Is everything okay? You weren't looking at my sibling were you? Because I really need you to help me with this problem I'm pretending to have. I'm hungry and thirsty and I need you to build me a fort. Also, my imaginary machine isn't quite making the right noise. Okay, well, I know those things can wait, but also, I need to go potty, but I seem to have forgotten where it is... 
Wait, where are you taking me?  Play with my toys? Is that a joke? Could there possibly anything more excruciatingly banal that the hundreds of dollars worth of toys and books strewn around this room?  What I really need is whatever it is you just picked up off the floor. 'Carpet lint' you say? Fascinating...
Wait, are you trying to get work done, or are you trying to be a motorcycle? Let me help you by climbing on to your back. Ahh, your right, Yelling is an effective way to relay a message. I'll be right back; I'm going to get my sibling to scream at me. 
So, hey, I was wondering, do you need to me to inexplicably scream "No" at you until I start crying, because that just happens to be my forte. Also, there's something sticky all over the carpet. I've no idea how that happened, but I thought you should know.
Okay, okay...fine. I need to think about my life choices. I'll just climb somewhere high from which I can't get down.....
Mom. For real. I'm going to need your eyes trained on me with laser like precision for a minute/hour/forever... while I...move around the house randomly... Let's make that happen.

I will shrink my own head, thank you very much.

     So I recently decided to try therapy.  Actually, I recently decided to try therapy, and then even more recently than that decided to quit therapy.  I am sure the therapist think I have commitment issues, but the truth is I just generally do not trust therapists.
     There was a combination of two things that were really the impetus for giving therapy a go.  The first was that my anxiety levels have been increasing gradually since baby number two, and have been reaching something of a fever pitch. My doctor insists that I go off my Cymbalta, and, as we all know, that is not my favorite thing for her to say. Changing medication is like playing reverse Russian roulette: all the chambers are filled with hormonal rage monsters except for one, and that one contains just a normal monster that causes some weight gain.
     Yeah, my doctor is going to need to pull my Cymbalta from my cold dead fingers.
     Anywhoo...I decided to try and manage the anxiety through therapy.
     The other reason I tried therapy is because of the little girl.  She has been having a lot of nightmares, and sometimes gets scared in the middle of the day for no reason.  We'll be in the car, and all of a sudden she'll tell me she's really scared.  I remember feeling like that when I was little, and it was terrible.  I actually still feel like that, only now, only I realize it's anxiety. So, I thought that if I learned some techniques to deal with my anxiety, I could help the little one when she is feeling scared.
     The problem is that I get really annoyed at when a therapist asks me questions, which, I realize kinda limits how much a therapist can help me.  It's not that I don't like being reflective.  I am Dr. Reflective Ph.D., but it has been my experience that most therapists ask presumptive and/or leading questions in hopes of discovering my "real" problems. When I was a kid I felt like my therapists were looking for a history of sexual abuse, or a fear of abandonment, as if I had experienced it, but didn't know about it; so annoying.  Often when I explain to therapists that my father is schizophrenic, their eyes light up and they practically start salivating.  I told my latest therapist that I had always been independent and she responded, "Is that because you schizophrenic father couldn't provide for you?" C'mon, for real?
     I am not saying that people should not try therapy, and I have had a good therapist at one point, but generally, I don't think its for me.
     One positive thing that did come out of my latest endeavor with therapy was that I began reading Mind Over Mood, a workbook that trains the reader to use cognitive behavioral therapy to cope with anxiety, guilt, phobias and so on.  Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is a really focused therapy technique that uses concrete steps that help the patient deal with with distinct thought and behavior problems as articulated by the patient; articulate the problem, devise a plan, establish a goal. Follow through. Boom. Sounds good, right?  I had originally hoped the latest therapist could walk me through the process, but then she started trying to "uncover" the damage my parents had caused, and I couldn't handle it.  The book I ultimately feel is helping though.
     The problem I wanted help with was the endless stream of embarrassing memories that my brain perpetually harasses me with.  You know how sometimes you'll be lying in bed ready to drift off to sleep and all of a sudden you'll remember the time in elementary school when you laughed and shot snot all over the lunch table?  Or the time you were on a bowling field trip and partnered with a boy you had a crush on, and you were so distracted that you rolled the ball without any pins set up?  Or the time you were belting it out in the back of the band room and everyone heard you in the practice rooms?  Or how you're so stupid and incompetent and everyone thinks you're weird...gah!!!!
     This happens to other people, right?  Well, it happens to me endlessly.  Since I started reading the book, I've been timing how often this happens to me.  If I'm not actively engaged in something, my brain will torment me about every six minutes.  Usually I get so embarrassed and anxious about it, I have to say something out loud to relieve the tension, which makes me look like a crazy person.  The whole thing is very exhausting.
     So, the book is helping me with that.  I have this little chart that I feel out whenever I have an "anxiety storm" that has me describe where I was when I had the memory, what exactly I remembered and how it made me feel.  The I am supposed to find evidence that supports my interpretation of the memory, as well as evidence that might support a more balanced interpretation of the memory. I think it's kind of working.  I think I've been having fewer attacks, and when I do have them, my brain kind of automatically begins to analyze the memory, so I don't start to catastrophize what happened.  So it's good; it's a start anyway, and there is something refreshing about making progress.

Review All the Comics!

     Allie Brosh of Hyperbole and a Half recently published a comic on depression that is making the rounds on the inter-webs.  It's a follow-up to an earlier post she did on depression, but in this one, she does a spot-on characterization of dissociation, which can be so hard for people with to depression to describe to anyone who hasn't experienced it.  Actually, that is my favorite part of the piece: her description of trying to explain depression to a person who has never experienced it.  I was laughing so hard I nearly cried, because truly, the situation is so bizarre, and maddening, and usually just a total failure.

Photo credit:  Hyperbole and a Half

     "I have depression."
     "Oh, that's really too bad.  You know, you shouldn't take life so seriously.  Just let it go, you know..."
     "Yes, thank you.  That's very helpful."
     "Have you tried going to bed earlier?  Your body needs rest."
     "Hmmm... yes.  Thank you.  That is very insightful."

    Don't you hate that?  As if a good night's sleep and deep breathing will cure this disorder that is plaguing America. It was really good to find this comic and realize that I wasn't the only one who found those conversations massively surreal.
      Honestly, I am glad she wrote this second one because her first one was kind of misleading.  That's not to say that it wasn't funny; Hyperbole and a Half pretty much makes me laugh out loud with every single post, and this one is no exception. And it is not that the article did not have any good pints, because it definitely did.  I can completely relate to that voice of self loathing that is constantly mentally berating you until you just need to crawl around your house in this pathetic lump of sadness.  That seriously happens to me all the time, even when I am on medication.
     What bothered me about "Adventures in Depression" was that at the end it represented depression as freeing and empowering.  She asserts that once the self loathing gets worn out, you can go on and be yourself because you don't care about how you are perceived by others.  It really irritated me that anyone would suggest such a thing, because this has not been my experience, and I don't think it is healthy to suggest that there is an upside to being massively depressed.  I don't think it was her intention to suggest that depression is freeing; she mentions in the second piece that the "I don't give a fuck" stage is short lived, and that the feeling of liberation is really more a liberation from self loathing; but I am glad she wrote the second piece to clarify.